Emo Farm
by Thorn In Your Side
Summary: Dear Loser. I've gone to live with Orochimaru on Emo Farm. Goodbye forever, Sasuke."
1. Orochimaru

Emo Farm

**Emo Farm **

**Disclaimer: I no own Naruto or any other show/book, so please no sue me. I do own Hiroku and Hirari. -rawr- Mine! **

**Summary: Emo Farm- the emo-est place in the world! Orochimaru goes to stay there, and is joined by Sasuke, Gaara, and other emo Naruto peeps. **

**Author's Notes: this was inspired by an icon I saw on , with Naruto holding a piece of paper and text that said "Dear Loser, I've gone to live with Orochimaru on Emo Farm. Goodbye forever, Sasuke." I thought it was the funniest idea ever, so I promptly stole it and spun a story on it. As for the crossover characters…I'm assuming most of the known universe has at least heard of Potter, and the rest, well, I'll replace them with Naruto characters soon, so bear with me. **

**Well, that's enough of the useless long winding author's notes…onwards, onwards to the story! **

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.**

Orochimaru frowned at the ramshackle little house he saw. The sign on the rusty front gate said "Emo Farm". Sighing, Oro picked up his bags and walked to the front door.

Well, maybe here he'd be able to relax a little. Hoping Kabuto and Kimimaro wouldn't burn down his home in his absence, the sexiest of the three Legendary Sannin knocked on the front door.

The door burst open. A petite brunette with eyes the color of rain stood in the doorway, dressed in an elegant blue kimono with a simple stream pattern on it. Two silver silk fish were stitched into it; one at her right hip, the other at her left knee.

She grinned, the act lighting up her sickly grey face like a sunburst after a summer rain storm.

"Welcome to Emo Farm!! The emo-est place on Earth!" she squealed, dragging him in. The interior of the house was drab, in black, indigoes, purples and magentas.

"I'm Hiroku, I'm your hostess! C'mon in, let me introduce you to our other residents!" she chirruped merrily, leading him into a grand common room type hall where four men where playing poker.

"Sup," said a young looking boy, with apple green eyes, nodding at the new arrival.

"That's Harry Potter. His parents were killed by an evil wizard and he's inexorably linked to him due to a prophecy that states (and I quote) 'neither shall live while the other survives'," Hiroku explained brightly. Orochimaru waved uncertainly.

"This is Itachi-kun, yes, Uchiha Itachi, I think you've met…? His parents named him weasel. Tragic, isn't it? No wonder he killed them. He screwed over his little brother and joined an evil organization. They sent him off here for a vacation."

Itachi gave a brief grimace to acknowledge their acquaintance.

A pair of white haired men sat side by side—one had doggy ears and wore a red haori. They gave Orochimaru twin brief, appraising looks and returned their attention to their cards.

"Sesshoumaru-sama. His father dumped his ma for a human. He has issues with his brother, and is in love with a girl 1/116th of his age. Inuyasha (his brother) is torn between two women. Should he choose the dead one who was ready to believe that he'd betrayed her and wants to drag him to hell? Or should he go with the one that's alive, completely in love with him, but belongs to another time?"

"The eternal question," Orochimaru said sarcastically.

Hiroku laughed. "You'll fit right in."

"Anyone else?" he asked wryly.

"Yeah um…hey…" she looked around at the four men, "Guys," she began in smooth voice, "Where are Murtagh and Aikawa-chan?"

"Uh…who cares?" ventured Harry Potter.

"I think he said something about throwing her in the well," Itachi offered in an off hand way.

Hiroku sighed. "I'm sorry," she said, turning to Oro, "I'm going to have a look. Hirari!" she yelled, and received a muted response from upstairs (COMING!) "He'll take care of you," she said, leaving.

No sooner had she done so did a boy come into the room. Unlike his sister (there was no mistaking those eyes, grey as a slab of slate and heavily eyelined) he was tall, tall enough to tower over Orochimaru. Unlike his sister he had ruddy skin and rough hands. Like his sister, he was in a kimono—this one was green, patterned like a forest with a golden monkey on his left shoulder and a scarlet parakeet around his right ankle. Like his sister, his smile was sun kissed.

"I'm Hirari," he introduced himself, "I'll take your bags upstairs…you hang out with the boys. Hiroku will be back soon."

So she was, bringing in tow a very wet girl with onyx eyes and obsidian hair and a scowling, shamefaced teen with brown hair and brown eyes.

"Orochimaru-san, this is Aikawa-chan. She was raped by her stepfather, and got pregnant twice. Aborted the first time, gave birth the next, and put him up for adoption. Now she's in love with the only boy who knows of her tragedy, and is scared he won't accept her."

Oro nodded appreciatively.

"This is Murtagh, last but not least. His father threw a sword at him when he was three and gave him a back injury. This makes him prone to random seizures. He's destined to kill his bro or be killed by him, and his dragon is destined to get hit on by an older dragon who already hit on her gazillion year old teacher. Fun, no?" Hiroku concluded.

"I get all of them…them and their messed up stories…but what about you and your brother?" Oro asked, just as said brother came in to announce lunch.

"Hirari and I?" Hiroku giggled, "Oh, we're just a zesty incest-y couple! Everyone we've ever loved shunned us, and our parents sent out people to kill us. That's our messed up story in a nutshell of a nutshell, and lunch is getting cold, so let's go eat it, yes?"

Everyone trooped into a dining hall much too large and ornate for the simple meal of miso soup, rice, and taro.

"Except for mealtimes, you're pretty much free to whatever," Hirari explained as he smushed his rice with chopsticks, pouring soup over it, "The house goes on forever underground, so you can explore. Or if you like sunshine, the surrounding lands for a four hectare radius are ours. If you come across any tenant-type people, try not to kill them—its their money that puts food on our table."

Orochimaru nodded. He hadn't expected staying here to be so…tolerable. He wasn't exactly a people's person. But it seemed ok…so far.

--

Uwah, that was only an okay beginning...next chapter, Orochimaru writes some letters, and what is Sasuke's reply to an unexpected invitation? Well, you can wait for the next chapter to find out. Just to clear things up, Aikawa is from the manga Bitter Virgin, Murtagh is from the Inheritance trilogy by Chris Paolini, Inuyasha and Sesshoumaru are from the manga Inuyasha (or the anime, you pick) and if you know where Harry Potter's from, I send you a virtual sarcastic thumbs-up!


	2. Potter

Emo Farm

**Emo Farm **

**Disclaimer: do not own Naruto. Or Ultralord. I do love Sheen to pieces though…does that count for anything? **

**Can I just say I love my reviewers? You motivated me to get up in the middle of the night to type this up…I lost about fifteen minutes of sleep, but it was totally worth it! **

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.**

"Dear…brats…this wasn't the worst idea you've had. Maybe…I won't do as many tests on you when I get back. Do not…kill each other…do not…burn down the house…DO NOT touch my shell collection…" Orochimaru wrote to his two protégées, adding as an afterthought, "Don't count on the tests thing. Love…(wait no, I don't love them)…lukewarm handshakes, Orochimaru-sama."

Having sealed and sent off that letter, he sat down to write a new one.

"Dear…Uchiha…Sasuke-kun…"

000000000000000

Sasuke was pretty surprised. The tacky navy blue envelope screamed EMO FARM: THE EMOEST PLACE ON EARTH! in an offensive shade of orange (hey, like Naruto's outfit) and the sender was Orochimaru, of all people.

The Uchiha flopped onto his bed and began to read the letter out to his wall.

"Dear Uchiha Sasuke-kun, as you can tell from the envelope (unless you've gotten stupider) I'm staying at Emo Farm. I would be delighted to be your tutor if you were willing to come here. I have just changed bodies, and have developed a method that will let me substitute a Kage Bunshin (no more of that nasty body-snatching for me!). This means that for up to three years, I can teach you enough to be able to kill Itachi. Afterwards, you must promise to give me your eyes, so that I can have the sharingan. I can make you pretty new eyes in exchange, in any color you like (seriously, ANY color). Please think it over. Hope to see you soon, Orochimaru."

Sasuke looked to his wall for a response. It remained wisely silent.

"Deep, dude," Sasuke intoned, "They say walls have ears, so why the hell don't they have mouths? What good is listening to something if you can't talk about it?"

The wall withheld its opinion on the matter.

Sasuke snorted, and sat down at his desk to write his reply.

00000000000000000000

Harry Potter groped around his bed side table for a smoke. All he found was his limited edition Ultralord lighter. (Now with five different action phrases!)

"Damn," he cursed, and went out to the balcony on the second floor where he slept. He scrutinized the moonlit horizon, where a town's lights sparkled. The verdant grasses of the plains had acquired a pearly sheen. Harry raised his wand and mumbled, "Accio cigarettes!"

A pack of Camel Lights zoomed to him after a few seconds. He lit one hastily and breathed in the cancerous fumes before noticing Orochimaru watching him.

"You could've said hi," Harry observed. The Sannin shrugged. "You surprised me. That jutsu though…what is it?"

"Jutsu?" Harry laughed, "That kung-fu action stuff Itachi does? Nah, this is magic."

"Interesting…" Orochimaru said, a manic glint in his golden eye.

"Are you a demon?"

"What? No! Wait…what do you mean?"

"Your eyes are the same color as Inuyasha's and Sesshoumaru's."

"Those two are demons?" Oro said, inhaling sharply, "That incredible chakra…I assumed they were junchuuriki unskilled at controlling their inner beasts…"

"What?" Harry said, confused.

"You smoke. Its going to kill you, you know."

"Eh. I've been too close to death too many times to be afraid of it," the boy said, remarkably unconcerned, "Besides, what the hell makes my life worth preserving?"

It was a rhetorical question, but Orochimaru felt compelled to say, sarcastically, "Love?"

They both laughed at that. They had both met fools—had been fools who'd thought love was enough to live with.

"I killed him, the evil wizard," Harry said after a minute, "Then I realized my best friend was a ballsless git, my best friendette was a backstabbing whore and my girlfriend was a lying slut. I ran away, naturally. Saw an ad for this place and showed up. Its nice…don't have to worry about any dumbass prophecies here."

He glanced sideways for a reaction.

"What the—hey! Wake up!"

"Wah…oh, m'sorry. What were you saying?" Orochimaru woke up with a start.

"Go back to sleep," Harry said irritably, heading back to his room.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.

Hopefully, I can get them all in character properly soon…


	3. Sasuke

** Emo Farm **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, un! (lawl, Deidara! **

**Sasuke's here! –woot woot- **

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.**

Hirari was tending to his tomato garden when he saw him. The was a few years younger than him, with onyx eyes just like Itachi's…but their shape was more tender, less feminine. An M shaped cut in the front, his black hair stood out almost horizontally from the back of his head, glinting blue in the mid-morning sun.

Hirari stood up, his kimono (depicting a smiling orange sun and playful while clouds) swishing about him.

"Hail, and halt," he said cheerfully, "are you Sasuke-kun, here at the invitation of Orochimaru?"

"Yes," the boy replied warily.

"Oro will be delighted. Come one in, come one in," Hirari said, ushering in Emo Farm's second Uchiha.

A very upset looking Hiroku confronted them.

"Potter wants to leave!" she burst out, wringing her hands.

Hirari was unsurprised. The past week since Orochimaru's arrival had seen the boy become restless.

"If he wants to leave, we can't force him to stay," he reminded her, taking her hands.

"Is there any harm in trying?"

Hirari laughed. "But looks who's here: Itachi-kun's little brother!"

Hiroku drew in a deep breath, calmed herself and smiled at him.

"Your eyes are the exact same color as your nii-san's."

Sasuke scowled as Hirari excused himself, and she laughed.

"Don't try to fight it, the fact that you're family is no secret, no matter how hard you try to kill each other," the woman said. The stitched gold and scarlet dragon that curled around her black kimono seemed to nod its head in agreement at her shoulder. Sasuke's scowl deepened.

"Who are you?" he demanded, "and when can I meet Orochimaru?"

"I am Hiroku, your hostess, Hirari is my brother (as you can tell) and he is the cook. Oro has right now gone for a ride with Sesshoumaru-sama, but I will be glad to introduce you to the rest of the residents…the ones who aren't running away, at least," she added in a bitter way.

"Where will I be staying?" he asked after meeting a girl, a boy, and a suspiciously amber-eyed man.

"There is no dearth of rooms, but Orochimaru has requested that you be placed in the room connecting to his.

Sasuke felt queasy, and it must've shown on his face, because Hiroku burbled, "Don't worry, its to keep an eye on you. He's not the pederast type, at least as far as I can tell."

Which did absolutely nothing to make Sasuke feel better.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.

Chapter Two! –big whoop-

Chapter three coming up! –is on a roll!-


	4. Drunk to the High Heavens

Emo Farm

**Emo Farm**

**Disclaimer: Nope, don't own Naruto. Nor do I own Inuyasha, the Inheritance Trilogy, or Bitter Virgin. Yup, I own Hiroku and Hirari…don't they rock? **

**A/N: OMFG I checked my mail and a whole bundle of reviews awaited me, so out of gratitude, the chapter I thought I was too lazy to type: chapter four! (It's a bit short, but eh. You can deal with it, ne?) **

**And yeah…who can tell I'm a Sesshoumaru fan? Just can't resist glorifying him unduly. –nervous giggle-**

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.**

"Sasuke-kun!" Orochimaru called to the boy by the front gate, "You decided to come after all!"

"Uh, yeah," the Uchiha replied, trying not to stare at the man Orochimaru was with. This must be Sesshoumaru, Inuyasha's brother. What a monster! Those eyes, uncaring pools of amber, seemed to suggest that you weren't worthy of sharing a galaxy with this man. They seemed to glide through Sasuke as though he didn't exist, and Sasuke half-believed that he **didn't**.

He remained rooted to the spot till Orochimaru shook him roughly.

"Sasuke-kun! Come, come in, its alright. Sesshoumaru-san can do that to people…I myself was intimidated, so you wouldn't stand a chance. Its alright though…he and Inuyasha plan on leaving with Potter. Don't tell Hiroku though," he added hastily, "I assume you met?"

"Uh, yeah," Sasuke said in a dazed way.

"How did you spend your day?" Orochimaru inquired.

"I came here in the morning…unpacked, and I've been waiting for you since then."

"All this time?" Orochimaru said, surprised, "Loosen up, my boy! Tonight, I'll leave you with Hiroku and Hirari. I'd planned on going cow-tipping with Murtagh and Itachi, no need to cancel this way, and a few hours in the company of those mad siblings should get you to relax. We'll start your training tomorrow. How's that sound to you?"

Sasuke looked up at the Sannin, confusion clouding his eyes. "Itachi…cow-tipping?"

"He'll just watch, that prude would never do anything so fun!" Orochimaru scoffed, "Now, Sasuke-kun, I must warn you, Hirari and Hiroku are in love. Yes, with each other, and yes in that way. I'm warning you so you don't go making a scene, but it should be alright. They usually manage to keep their hands to themselves in front of us…_**usually**_." Chuckling darkly, the older man disappeared to find his cow-tipping partner and look out.

00000000000000000

"Sasuke-kun!" Hiroku squealed, "Come, join us, have some sake!"

"I'm underage," he declined, but an already drunk Hirari shoved a glass into his hand anyway.

"Nonsense, you're never too old for sake!" the man shouted cheerfully, collapsing into his sister's lap.

"Aikawa-chaaaaan," Hiroku giggled, "You haven't touched your alcohol!"

The quiet girl shied away. "I'm sorry, I've just discovered I'm pregnant again."

"Congratulations!" Hirari roared uncharacteristically, "Who's the mother?"

Hiroku snorted, then burst into peals of laughter. Sasuke gulped down his sake. What the hell, he was already a missing nin, might as well have some alcohol then.

Before anyone knew it, Sasuke was well and truly _**wasted**_.

"Uke-chaaaaan," Hiroku tittered in his ear at some point, even more drunk than he was, "Why don't you write home and invite a few friends here? Harry's leaving, I (hic) think Inuyasha and Sesshoumaru-sama are planning to cut loose too…we could (hic) do with replacements."

Hirari gave a loud snore of assent from his place in Aikawa's lap. The poor girl had given up trying to move the man, and had fallen asleep sitting.

"Yeah," Sasuke slurred, "I would but (hic) Sakura and Naruto are my only friends, and neither of them are emo. There's Gaara, but he's Kazekage and not my friend."

Hiroku's face lit up like the Christmas tree in Disneyland. "That's alright Uke-chan, really, its ok, you can invite Gaara-chan, he's hot!"

Sasuke looked up at her blearily. "Aren't you already with Hirari?"

She shrieked with laughter. "Oh, yes, I love him, but I'm a fan of Gaara's! Invite him, go on, it'll be the best thing ever!"

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.

There you go! A special treat, dedicated to all my wunnerful reviewers. Enjoy!


	5. Gaachan is in da house!

Emo Farm

**Emo Farm **

**Hehehe…this one's for SadisticYaoiFanSpaz because she happened review the new chapter of 'One Week' like half an hour after I posted it, and I'm just biased like that. Love me, revere me. **

**Chapter five!**

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.**

"Kazekage sama!" the messenger bowed, "You have received a letter from Uchiha Sasuke!"

the red haired san user blinked and turned to Temari. "Isn't that Naruto's friend who ran away from Konohakure?"

"Yeah," she frowned, "Whats he doing writing to you?" she took the letter from the messenger, wincing at the color of the stationary.

Gaara waved at her to read it out loud. "Gaa-chan," Temari read in a voice tinged with laughter, "It totally rocks here, and Hirari makes great food! You should totally come! P.S., Hiroku sends her hugs and kisses. XOXO, Sasuke."

The junchuuriki pinched the bridge of his nose. "Where is he?"

Temari turned the envelope over and showed it to her brother.

He sighed. "I'll have to go, if only to get him back."

Temari grinned, "Oh yeah, you'll go…to bring him back for _**Naruto**_, hmm?"

He glared at her until she went away, laughing. Sisters.

Sometimes, he missed the days when everyone was shit scared of him.

0000shaaathetotallyawesomelinebreakalmostasawesomeasgaarashirtless000

Hiroku ran into the house, squee-ing at the top of her lungs. It'd been a few days since Harry, Inuyasha and Sesshoumaru had left, and until five minutes ago, she'd been miserably moping around.

Hirari and Murtagh exchanged Looks. "I guess the Gaara kid is here then, huh?" Murtagh said wryly.

Hirari shook his head. "Sometimes I really wonder about that girl. She's just such a …"

"Slut?"

"There's a nicer way of saying it, but basically, yes."

A redhead with a sand gourd strapped onto his back stepped in through the doorway, heavily lined eyes scrunched up in confusion.

"Please excuse my sister," Hirari said, stepping forward, "Hiroku's a fan I'm afraid. I'm Hirari. We are the general managers of Emo Farm. Good to have you here!"

Gaara nodded absent mindedly. "Is Sasuke here?"

Murtagh answered for Hirari. "He's out training with Oro."

"Oro?"

"Orochimaru," Hirari elaborated. Gaara scrunched up his eyes further. "The sexy Sannin with the long hair, purple eyeliner," Hirari prompted.

Gaara blinked blankly. "He's not sexy. And does that mean…Sasuke…?"

Hirari threw an armed around the bemused Kazekage. "Relax. He came here on his own accord, as did you. Emo Farm is just a vacation spot of sorts. And you know, lately I don't even know why we call it emo anymore, its been very cheerful lately."

Murtagh nodded vehemently. "So, what's your story.

"My _**story**_?" Gaara frowned, wondering if this sense of bewilderment would ever go away.

Hiroku glided down the stairs, having regained some semblance of composure. She answered for him, saying, "His village sealed a demon in him before he was born, and his mother died at child birth as a result. His dad spoilt him rotten, then since Gaara turned six, tried to kill his own son countless times…his beloved uncle was the first one to try. He used to hate his siblings, to him they were (and I quote) 'hunks of flesh with murderous intent attached'. That is, until Naruto kicked his ass and bitchslapped some sense into him. Now he's learning to love those who love him."

Murtagh frowned. "So you're an ex-emo. Judging from all that eyeliner, I couldn't really tell."

Gaara was getting tired of just blinking blankly, but it seemed the most appropriate response.

Hirari sighed and guided him to a room where he could properly explain what was going on.

Hiroku left to send a message to Orochimaru and Sasuke asking them to end training early today.

Murtagh, suddenly finding himself alone, grinned and headed off to raid the refrigerator.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.

hope y'all enjoyed it, Gaara's finally here! Next: Orochimaru gives a pep talk, and Sasuke and Gaara meet!


	6. i like cake

Emo Farm

**Emo Farm**

**Chapter Six! WHOOOOOT! Only five more to go! (Aicaramba does that mean the story is half done…yup!) **

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

"Enough," Sasuke panted heavily, "No more, I need a break!"

"How will you ever grow strong enough to defeat Itachi if your progress is so slow?" Orochimaru tutted, "Show me the jutsu, and then you can rest."

"No. I won't."

The Sannin's eyes narrowed. "Think carefully Sasuke-kun. You won't, or you can't?"

"Does it matter? It's not going to be _**done**_ either way!" the boy snapped.

"I beg to differ. If you _**can't,**_ we'll have a nice student-sensei motivational speech, take a break, and try again. If you _**won't,**_ I will simply…what is it you say? Kick your ass and stop teaching you for good. We'll see how well you can control the curse seal without me."

The Uchiha scowled, and pointed over his shoulder. "Bird. Message," he grunted.

Orochimaru turned as caught the envelope as it fell.

"How like a child…you get a little tired and your grammar goes down the drain. Can't you form complete sentences? It doesn't take that much cell power," he chided, reading the message. "It seems that your friend Gaara-san has arrived. We are asked to cut short this training session," he nodded to the Sasuke, "Count your lucky stars."

"Hey, how come Gaara's 'san' and I'm just 'kun'?"

"Gaara-san is someone I respect. He became Kazekage at a very early age, and is very powerful. But above all, he knows how to _utilize what would have otherwise been his downfall_ and turn it instead to this most powerful weapon. You on the other hand are a whiny sniveling brat who is weak and headstrong and so narrow-minded he won't even stop to ask why his brother left him alive, _**really**_."

Sasuke frowned. "What was that last bit?"

"Nothing, lets go," the Sannin replied, heading back home at a brisk pace.

Gwahahamostawesomeandincrediblelinebreakfearitmortalfool

"Gaara," Sasuke greeted him, hesitantly. Having invited the boy under the crippling effects of alcohol, he was unsure of what to expect.

"Sasuke-kun!' the sand user exclaimed, "Ah…Naruto-kun has really missed you, you know. And don't even ask me how Sakura-san is doing. You must return home, Konoha weeps at Sunaga's doorstep at the loss of her last Uchiha."

"Cut the crap Gaara."

"Fine," the Kazekage of the Hidden Sand agreed, "But Naruto and Sakura-chan really do miss you. An ANBU root member called Sai…you're associated with him, no? He has taken your place in team seven. Kakashi-sensei has no student to teach, and Tsunade-hime won't let him out on missions. I've come to take you back, for all of their sakes."

Sasuke narrowed his eyes at the boy. "I'm not going back until I kill Itachi."

"Ok. How long will that take?" Gaara asked patiently.

"Orochimaru will train me for a few years, and then Itachi and I shall duel."

"A few years?" Gaara repeated, appalled, "Naruto's tearing up the countryside looking for you! He's gotten much stronger, if he finds you he'll drag you back to Konoha if he has to break your limbs to do it!"  
"I've gotten stronger too," Sasuke retorted, "I'll kick his ass!"

Orochimaru coughed. "Yeah, I beg to differ. Naruto-kun has Jiraiya training him. Though I'm teaching you, its unlikely that you'll be able to compete against his enthusiasm and chakra for at least another year."

Sasuke glared at his mentor. "Whose side are you _**on**_?"

Gaara sighed. "Well, if there's no other option, if you won't come quietly, I suppose I'll have to stay here until you kill your brother, then bring you back to Konoha."

"But you're the Kazekage! What about your village," Orochimaru objected.

"Temari has taken over for me until I return. I swore I wouldn't come back without Sasuke. Little did I know how long that would take…"

Sasuke, Orochimaru, and Gaara sighed in unison.

Suddenly, Gaara's eyes lit up. "Hey, why don't you just poison your brother? Living in the same house, it shouldn't be that hard, hmm?"

Sasuke snorted. "You think Itachi lets anyone have the chance to touch his food? It goes straight from the kitchen to his plate. I'd have to poison the whole dish and kill everyone else in the house."

Orochimaru laughed. "Besides, that wouldn't be _**just, heroic**_ way of doing things would it? Sasuke wants to make Itachi suffer."

"I could use sabaku kyuu on him," Gaara offered, "That's painful."

"No, I have to be the one to kill him."

"Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it too!" Gaara sniffed.

"Damn straight! What good is cake if I can't eat it?" Sasuke fumed.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

yeah, I hate it when people use that line on me…seriously, are you going to preserve that cake for all eternity?

L: Call me what you like, I'm still taking your cake.

Teehee.


	7. Spiders and Sai

Emo Farm

**Emo Farm **

**I no own Naruto, nope, nope. **

**I own Hiroku and Hirari, yup, yup. **

**-rawr-**

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

"HIROKU!" Murtagh bellowed into the early morning gloom. The residents of Emo Farm cursed him in their sleep, and Hiroku sat up in bed.

"HIROKU! AIKAWA SAYS SHE'S LEAVING!" Murtagh screeched.

Hiroku shot out of her room, her sheets draped immodestly over her naked body, leaving Hirari shivering.

"What?!"

"Are you deaf?" Murtagh said hoarsely.

"No, I heard…why!?" the brunette asked, distressed.

Murtagh shook his head sadly. "I was going to throw her in the well to see if she'd maybe catch pneumonia and die…and she was packing when I got to her room."  
"Yes, but why!?"  
"I'm pregnant," Aikawa said calmly, "And I'm not sure who the father is, though its probably someone from here: I'm at five months," she paused to poke her slight baby bulge, "And I've been here for six."

"How could you not keep track of who you slept with?" Murtagh frowned, "There are only so many men."

"There were many drunken nights, and some were in town," Aikawa reminded him, "_**You**_ woke up one morning in a French maid's dress next to an old guy in clown shoes."

Murtagh shuddered as he remembered. "Low shot."

"I'm leaving because Suwa-kun called. He said he loves me and wants me no matter what; he says I shouldn't have to pay for someone else's mistake," Aikawa said dreamily.

"What a line."

"This time, you weren't raped," Hiroku pointed out.

"I was drunk, not by my choice."

Hiroku sighed heavily. "I'll miss you."  
"And I'll miss you, Hiroku," Aikawa said, using her name without the honorific for the first time. They hugged hard, and Hiroku waved her off.

"Murtagh, are you crying?"

"No! I just have a itch in my eye!"

"Ahem," Itachi cleared his throat loudly. Hiroku turned to him. "Itachi-kun!" she yelped, "Where'd you disappear to the last few days!?"

"Emergency Akatsuki mission," he explained, "Did Aikawa say she was pregnant?"

"Yes, why?"

He smiled at her ruefully. "I'm pretty sure I'm the father."

"Oh. OH!" Hiroku's eyes grew wide, "What are you going to do?"

"I'll have to go after her," he sighed, "Can't have random Uchiha progeny running around you know."

"She's going to Suwa-kun, her boyfriend," Hiroku frowned.

"We'll see," he smirked darkly, and strode away into the pale pink horizon.

"Damn," Hiroku hissed, watching his ass.

Hirari stumbled down the stairs in his boxers. "Hiroku, gimme the sheets," he mumbled. Hiroku squealed as he unwrapped her, and dove into him to preserve her modesty. Hirari looked pleased, and carried her bridal style back to their room.

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"I don't _**care,**_" Hiroku insisted, "Someone invite a girl dammit, I have no one to gossip with!"

"Hirari's close enough, isn't he?" Orochimaru pointed out.

The petite brunette shook her head as Hirari scowled. "He already has to be my brother, lover, and assistant manager/host. I don't think he can handle gal pal on top of everything else."

"Sasuke then," Gaara said in a bored tone, "He's such a sissy, you should've heard him screaming yesterday…"

"That spider was HUGE," Sasuke flared up, "And you were screaming just as loud."  
"You'll notice I didn't hit a high C," Gaara snapped, "And it was a freaking HUGE spider!"

They all shuddered at the memory of the size of the tarantula.

"I want someone who's an actual girl, not just a bunch of ninny boys," Hiroku said disgustedly. _**She**_ was the one who'd beaten the monstrous arachnid to death with her zori.

Hirari sighed. "Murtagh, do you know anyone?"

The boy considered it. "Nah, they're all dead or in another dimension."

"In another dimension…? You know what; forget I asked," Hirari muttered, "Sasuke-kun, Gaara-san, Oro? Anyone at all?"

"I could ask Kabuto to give Kimimaro a gender change and ship him over," Orochimaru volunteered. A thousand miles away, Kimimaro woke up screaming.

Hiroku pulled a face. "No thanks."

"I'm sorry Hiroku," Gaara said lightly, "It looks like there are simply no emo girls we know of."

"Wait!" Sasuke yelped, "I kinda sorta know an almost stereotypically gay guy who maybe might be emo!"

"Close enough," Hiroku shrugged, "Invite him."

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"HUH?" Naruto gaped, "Sai got a letter from Gaara? Who's now with Orochimaru and Sasuke on Emo Farm?"

Sakura rolled her eyes and slapped him upside the head. "We got to know an hour ago. Stop randomly yelling it like you just found out, baka."  
"Sorry, Sakura-chan," he grinned sheepishly, and turned to their teammate. Sai was crouched in the dirt, doodling Sakura (complete with horns, pitchfork, and demon tail) with a twig. The real girl made an irritated noise and stomped on the drawing. The ANBU root member looked up.

"What is it?"

"Tell us where Sasuke-kun is!" Sakura demanded.

"I did. Emo Farm."

"But where is Emo Farm?" Naruto whined.

"I can't tell you, Gaara-kun told me not to."

"Sai!" Sakura snapped, "You disobeyed Danzou-san for Naruto, why can't you disobey Gaara?"

"I like Gaara-kun more than I like Naruto-kun," the raven haired boy explained.

Kakashi walked over to them to find two very badly bruised boys and one very dangerously calm kunoichi.

"Sai annoyed Sakura who beat him up, and Naruto tried to stop her, hmm?" Kakashi asked no one in particular. Sakura smiled sweetly.

"Sai knows where Sasuke-kun is and he won't tell us."

"I did. Emo Farm."

"Sai," she said in a voice that reminded them of a honey coated knife, "Please shut up."

"Sai, Godaime-sama has heard of this letter. She says you should go and scope out the situation," the Copy-Nin instructed.

"Whaaaaat!?"  
"Sensei, I wanna go too!"

"Yeah, I wanna see Sasuke-teme, dattebayo!"

"Naruto shut up, I'm going!"

"But Sakura-chan—"

"Both of you shut up!" Kakashi snapped, annoyed, "Sai _**alone **_will go because Sai _**alone **_got the invitation. He knows how to keep his emotions in check, and his fake smile's gotten much better!"

The boy smiled at his teammates, widely, falsely, and irritatingly.

"No fucking fair," Naruto pouted.

Inner Sakura raged, _I'll say! If anyone on the team gets to bring Sasuke-kun back, it should be me! I've loved him longest! _

"I'll go pack," Sai quipped.

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**I'm scared of spiders, so I made Gaara and all the boys scared too. Woot for Hiroku, she who slays arachnids! Mind you, they are cool. Just scary-cool. **


	8. sai again, and itachi comes back!

Emo Farm

**Emo Farm**

**Disclaimer: Ahhhh, Sai. If I owned him, he'd get so much more screen time. But I don't, so he remains one of the most ignored and mysterious characters Kishimoto-sensei's drawn. T.T**

**Chapter Eight**

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

"Greetings," Sai said, I come under the invitation and protection of one Gaara of the Desert, Kazekage of the Hidden Sand Village in the Country of the Wind. May I be shown the one called Gaara?"

Gaara made a motion with his facial muscles that would have raised an eyebrow had he one. "_**I'm**_ Gaara. You mean you don't know what I look like?"

"No," Sai admitted, "Naruto-kun speaks of you all the time, but he has no pictures. Nonetheless, I've developed quite the…I believe the word is crush…on you."

"Oh," Gaara said, taken aback, "Wait…Naruto talks about me all the time?"

"I often have to talk about his penis to shut him up," the ANBU Root member replied seriously, "For some reason, he immediately gets distracted."

"Ah…I see. Why don't you com in?" Gaara said, finally finding his manners.

"Helloooooooooooooo," Hiroku said brightly, "You must be Sai! Its fabulous to meet you, welcome to Emo Farm and I'm you hostess, Hiroku!"

"I'm her brother/lover/assistant manager and the cook around these parts. My name's Hirari," a tall man in a fuchsia kimono introduced himself.

"I see," Sai smiled, "I'm afraid I don't really know anyone here…"

"Nonsense," Hiroku scoffed, taking his arm, "You know Sasuke-kun and Oro! That's a great start, and you'll get to know the rest soon enough! Murtagh!" she bellowed in a way that belied her size, "Come meet the new guy!"

Silence answered her.

"I'll go get him," Hirari sighed resignedly, "He must be raiding the fridge again…damn."

"Sasuke-kun and Oro-chan are out training," Hiroku gushed, "But they'll be coming in for lunch. Meanwhile, I'll help you unpack!"  
So a slightly amused Sai let her lead him to his room.

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"Very good," Orochimaru encouraged, paying his protégée a rare compliment, "You're getting better, and quickly too to be able to spar me for so long!"

Sasuke was slumped on the ground, knees folded under his chest and cheek against the cool, forgiving soil between the grasses.

"But I'm nearly out of chakra," he rasped, "I'm progressing too slowly…I wasn't even able to improve by twenty percent! This is too hard…much harder than I expected it to be…if you're this strong, Itachi could kill me with his little finger while sleep waking and watching porn!"

"There is nothing shameful about giving up," Orochimaru said almost kindly, overlooking the porn thing.

"If you feel shame, then it is shameful."

"Nonsense," Oro scoffed, "Farting is shameless, and you feel ashamed when you do it! If you can smother the shame then you need not fear anything. Itachi is stronger than me, much stronger. Quite possibly stronger than Sesshoumaru-san. No one would judge you if you let your petty grudge _**go**_."

Sasuke raised a crimson eye to shoot his sensei a deathglare. "I would judge me. Besides, I'm not a coward! I will avenge my parents, its not a petty grudge!" he spat.

Orochimaru rolled his eyes. "That's disgusting, and it's your funeral. But while you're listening, let me tell you: _**pride**_ is something you should acquire once you have the _**power**_ to beat the living daylights out of those who offend it. At your age, with your strength, its only a weakness, an obstacle in your quest for power. Itachi knows this. Itachi has pride: he will not even think of fighting you as of now. Unless you gain the power to have pride, he will not harm you. And there lies your greatest advantage, if you can figure out how to use it. But remember when I tell you to forget every stupid moral Kakashi and those other Leaf idiots taught you…remember when I ask you to use…controversial training methods. Remember when I call you a pathetic idiot and wet behind the ears (both of which you are by the way) remember that you have no need for pride right now. If you don't need it, cast it aside, mm?"

"Your lectures last forever," Sasuke complained, but there was a new spark of determination in those once again onyx eyes.

"Hmmm. Now lets go back, I'm starving," Orochimaru said, hiding a smirk of satisfaction.

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"Sasuke-kun."  
"Sai?"

"Ah, how nice to see a friendly face," the serene boy sighed politely, "Hiroku-san is amiable, but it is you I have sought."

"Why?" Sasuke said as he wolfed down his lunch.

Sai took a small bite of chicken, chewed, swallowed and drank a sip of water before replying, "I have no idea why I'm here."

"Didn't Gaara explain in his letter?" Sasuke said around a mouthful of rice, "You're here 'cause Hiroku wanted a female companion."

Sai winced as a blob of rice landed near his plate. "But I'm not _**female**_."

"You're close enough."  
Sai wasn't sure how to reply. The books he'd read told him to doubt one's gender was an insult, but his experience with Naruto told him that that tone of voice was about as friendly as a boy would ever get.

So he wisely decided to withhold judgment, and stay mum.

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"Hey Murtagh!" Hirari called out, "Come here, help me with the garden for a bit!"  
"Aw man," Murtagh whined, "Ok, only for a little bit though."

"I wanted to talk…don't you think that Sai is awfully curious?"Hirari asked.

"I'unno, haven't really talked to him. He seems really nice though. Came up to my room and wanted to know everything about me."

Hirari threw a sunflower seed at him "That's what curiosity is, baka!"  
"Oh. Right. Well yeah, I'd say he was pretty curious. Ended up asking me about my thing, if you know what I mean."

Hirari frowned. "Your what?"

"My schlong," Murtagh said darkly.

"I don't…"

"My penis you idiot!" he cried, exasperated.

"Ahhhh. You really should have just said so."

"Well you should've gotten a clue," Murtagh sniffed, affronted.

"Alright, sorry, don't strangle my plants!" the other man said hastily.

"Oh, oops."

"Hmph."

"Hey," Murtagh said suddenly, squinting into the sun, "Who is that?"

Hirari squinted too. "Looks like…"

"Itachi!" they chorused. The Akatsuki member smiled wanly down at them, and they laughed.

"How'd it go with Aikawa?" Murtagh demanded, looking around as though expecting her to pop out of a dimension portal.

"Awkward. Let us go indoors, and gather Hiroku, Orochimaru and my brother, I don't want to have to repeat this," the sharingan genius said.

Murtagh scampered away to fetch the others, and Hirari set out oolong tea for them in the comfy parlor.

When everyone was settled, (Gaara and Sai introduced), Uchiha Itachi began his tale.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Gwahahahaha! Cliffhanger! Keep hanging folks, and wait for the next chappie. Un!


	9. Itachi's tale and some Uchihacest

Emo Farm

**Emo Farm **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, its all credit to Kishimoto Masashi…bless his heart. **

**Fufufufu, I'm grounded but still updating….I feel so rebellious! **

**Rock Lee/Gai: YOUTHFULLNESS!!**

**Um…moving on…**

**Chapter Nine! Hai!**

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

"I caught up with her fairly easily," Itachi began, and she was understandably upset...she really liked this Suwa person, y'see. But I explained to her that I just couldn't have kids of Uchiha blood running around, and she seemed to agree. But she didn't want to abort—she_** wanted**_ this kid. So I asked her to stay with me—"

Murtagh gasped, and objected, "What about Kisame?! I thought you promised him your heart for all eternity!"

Itachi shot him a cold glance, but it did nothing to quiet the giggles of the group. "That's the only gay Itachi joke you get," he said nastily, "Anyway, Aikawa was appalled at the thought. She said she'd go to Suwa and they'd raise the child without telling it who I was—"

"And what would they do if it unlocked the sharingan?" Hiroku tutted, "She's got Styrofoam for brains sometimes, that one."

"That's what I said," Itachi agreed, "But stop interrupting. She said I was welcome to stay with them—"

"A threesome!" Murtagh whooped. Itachi snapped. "Tsukiyomi!" he hissed, "You will now watch Aikawa deliver triplets in all its bloody glory for 24 hours!"

"Harsh," Gaara observed as Murtagh's face deadpanned for a few seconds. Then he blinked and pointed a shaking finger at Itachi. "You…are inhuman!"

"Serves you right," Orochimaru sniffed, "Itachi, continue."

"Yes…I told her I would only disturb them. The last thing a newly-wed couple needs is a third wheel, and a third wheel, moreover, that brings danger in his wake. I have odd times of sleeping, eating, returning home…they shouldn't have to put up with that, on top of having a child and making a living. Besides, I don't think I could bear …"

"A family?" Sasuke asked quietly, his eyes latched onto his brother's face.

"Such _**torture**_," Itachi finished, "So then she said they could live in a place I would visit frequently; that way I could watch over the child's life without interfering in the parenting."

"Having Itachi as a dad," Hirari whispered to Hiroku, "A nightmare for the kid." She stifled a chuckle.

"I agreed, and suggest the Hidden Leaf Village."

"What?" Sasuke said, stunned. Sai had an expression of mildly interested surprise, Gaara ran his hand through his hair, Hirari frowned, and Orochimaru laughed.

Hiroku sighed heavily, knowing what was coming next.

"I have much business in Konoha anyway," Itachi continued, "I've snuck in many times over the years to keep an eye on…my assets. I will continue to do so for this child, now, and when I'm not teaching it, Aikawa can rope in some other trusty ninja—Gai, or Kakashi-san. Of course, I have to inform the higher echelons of Akatsuki of this, and prepare for the child…and Aikawa wants me there at the birth, to name the child…"

"You're leaving Emo Farm to stay with them," Sasuke realized bitterly.

Itachi nodded. Murtagh, slowly coming out of the after-effects of tsukiyomi, commented, "So it will be a threesome," which was unusually unfunny for him, but they all put that down to being tsukiyomi'd.

Itachi gave a twitch of annoyance, but said nothing except, "Well then, so that's that, and that's settled."

"Its to early to leave, isn't it?" Hiroku said pleadingly, Hirari gripping her hand.

"I'll leave within a month," the Akatsuki member allowed, "I have business to take care of." Hiroku breathed a sigh of relief.

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"Hirari! Hiroku!!" Sasuke yelled, enraged, "C'mere!!"  
The occupants of Emo Farm gathered in the chilly evening air of the front yard in a circle.

"This _**rat**_," Sasuke hissed, shoving Sai into the middle, "This sneaky **spy **was writing to Konoha about us!"

Sai nodded. "It was a mission," he said lightly, a note of dejectedness creeping into his voice, "And the second I have failed."

Hiroku looked to Sasuke. "Whats the big deal?"

"He was sent as a spy!"

"He was invited, besides, this isn't exactly a top secret forbidden jutsu development centre," Hiroku reasoned, "So he writes home on orders. So what harm would it do?"

"They'll know about me!" Sasuke snarled.

Gaara scoffed. "Baka, they already do."

Murtagh nodded. "Yeah man, you're getting all hyped for nothing."

"If only he would show such enthusiasm in his training," Orochimaru muttered.

"But—"

"But _**nothing**_," Itachi said sternly, "Sasuke, you're making a scene. I don't know what your problem is. Is it that you feel you've betrayed your team by coming here and now you want to break off all relationships with them because you can't face them or…" he paused. By the subtle shift in Sasuke's face, it was apparent that that _**was **_his problem.

"Lame, Sasuke," Murtagh said, disappointedly shaking his head.

"I couldn't have said it better," Orochimaru tutted, "Itachi, he's your brother, put some sense into the idiot."

Hiroku and Hirari nodded their agreement and Gaara pulled Sai, who was just _**there**_ in the centre of their circle, away.

"Sorry," Sai smiled winningly, "I'm socially clueless, or so ugly-dog Sakura-chan keeps telling me."

Gaara made a no-comment noise, and turned back to the Uchiha brothers.

Itachi sighed, and put a cool hand on Sasuke's flushed cheek. "Don't be stupid," he said softly, "They're your friends. You can't get rid of them so easily. And you know what? You did betray them, in their view. They don't know the details of the deal Orochimaru offered you. To them, you were stupid enough to leave Konoha and throw away your life just on the off-chance that you'd be able to kill me. Let Sai invite them…better yet, you invite them. Just your team, no one else. Let them know what's going on. You owe them that. You owe Naruto that."

Scarlet eyes met obsidian, and for a moment, Sasuke felt an insane urge to bury his head into the crook of Itachi's shoulder and sob his heart out, to hug his brother, laughing, complaining…just like they used to.

The moment passed. Itachi drew back, and Sasuke was left with the bleak destiny of being the one to end his nii-san's life.

"Alright," he said meekly. Itachi turned away, and damn it all if there wasn't a tear glinting in the corner of his eye.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

This chapter was less funny than most…and sorry for the uchihacest-y moment, but I can't have those two in a story and not put one in!

On a lighter note…I get to study for my zoology test tomorrow! sarcastic whoop


	10. REUNION! GASPETH!

Emo Farm

**Emo Farm**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, no one sue me! –ducks head and hides behind Gaara plushie- Nooooo don't sue me!!**

**The Penultimate Chapter (dun, dun, dun)**

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

Naruto gripped the two letters tightly. In his right hand was Sasuke's farewell note (Dear loser, I've gone to live with Orochimaru on Emo Farm. Goodbye forever, Sasuke) and in his left was the invitation Sasuke had sent his team. (Dear Naruto, I'd really like it if you, Sakura, and Kakashi-sensei came to visit Emo Farm. Hope to see you soon, Sasuke.) His hands shook slightly.

"Naruto," Sakura said in the gentlest voice she'd ever used with him, "Its going to be okay. Don't worry."

But by the way she fidgeted with her own hands, and the frown she wore gave away the fact that she was just as unsure of what to expect as he was.

Kakashi threw his arms around both of them, pulling them into bear hug. "Guys," he drawled, "Relax. It's Sasuke! Just think, in another few hours we get to be called names, taken for granted and generally disrespected by him again! I can hardly stand the wait!"

Naruto and Sakura laughed, and they continued on their journey, emboldened by their sensei's words, to be a whole team once again.

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Sasuke froze as he glimpsed them. Sai stood beside him aimlessly, and Murtagh placed a reassuring hand on the Uchiha's shoulder.

"It'll be okay," he said, smiling, "Don't freeze up."

The trio approached Emo Farm, and despite Murtagh's words, Sasuke found that no matter how he screamed in his head, his muscles would not move.

It was Sai, embarrassing, clueless, vulgar-tongued Sai who broke the awkward silence. Sasuke made a note to hug that boy sometime…or maybe buy him a Dove bar.

"Naruto-kun! Ugly dog! Kakashi-sensei, you're all here!" he greeted them.

Sakura scowled, and Kakashi beamed at him. "Sai, you've got the greeting thing down perfectly! If I was Gai (or a pederast) I'd hug you!"

Sai stared at him, uncomprehendingly. "Beg your pardon?" he said politely.

"Never mind…Sasuke, how have you been?" the copy nin asked cordially.

When the boy failed to reply, Murtagh quipped, "Sasuke has taken leave of his senses for the moment. I'm Murtagh a fellow resident of Emo Farm, may I take a message?"

They both laughed (too) loudly at that, but Naruto and Sakura could not take their eyes off their teammate, who couldn't look at them. Then there was Sai, who didn't get the joke.

"Beg your pardon?"

"Well, why don't you all come in," Murtagh invited, steering Sasuke. Sai took Naruto and Sakura by one arm each, leaving Kakashi with the luggage. With an exasperated sigh, the jounin followed.

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"That's Itachi!" Naruto gasped, "He's Sasuke's evil brother, dattebayo!"

"No shit, Sherlock," Sakura rolled her eyes.

"Wonderful!" Hiroku said, "So you _**can**_ talk!"

Kakashi smiled at Hirari, who was serving him dinner. "I think Sasuke may have permanently lost the powers of speech and locomotion though…"

The man laughed. "Oh, he'll come around. Gaara, how's that dim sum working out for you?"

"It's delicious," Gaara complimented the chef.

"I put in some tender cilantro, that's why," Hirari explained.

Naruto frowned. "Since when did Gaara compliment people?"

Gaara stuck his tongue out at the boy.

Sakura gasped. "Since when did Gaara stick his tongue out?"

The Kazekage rolled his eyes.

"Since when did Gaara—"

"Since he came here, gee, you two really know how to kill a joke don't you?" Sasuke said crossly.

A distinctly uncomfortable silence fell over the dinner table.

Sasuke looked at his teammates properly. "I was stupid," he mumbled, "I should've talked to you…should've explained what killing Itachi meant to me. Should've let you know when I was leaving, and most importantly that I was coming back." He looked down and continued, "I should've not been too scared to talk to you…but I was. I thought you'd convince me to stay, and I'd regret it later. Then I'd be bitter towards you, and I decided I'd rather have you be bitter towards me."

Naruto and Sakura exchanged a long look. Then they stood up, walked around the table, and as everyone watched with bated breath, threw their arms around Sasuke.

"We weren't mad," Naruto explained to the startled Uchiha, "We were worried, dattebayo. We thought you were going to give up your body to Orochimaru and we didn't want to lose you, dattebayo."

Sakura nodded. "Sasuke-kun, we're just happy you're okay. Whatever it is you want to do, we'll only help you. We just figured there are less disgusting ways to get power."

"Hey!" Orochimaru objected.

Gaara scoffed at him. "Who are you kidding? You want a little boy's body, you're disgusting."  
"Meh," Orochimaru shrugged.

Kakashi beamed at his students. "This calls for a group hug!" he declared, grabbing Sai and jumping onto the others, "Someone take a picture!"

Sasuke crumpled like a leaf under the weight of his team (oh the irony), falling off his chair and carrying them to the ground.

"Oh man," Naruto groaned, "Sensei, you need to stop hanging around Gai-sensei so much, dattebayo…"

Sakura untangled herself from the boys. "I feel so violated," she sniffed, but Inner Sakura raged, _Hell yeah! I was just in a dogpile with Konoha's four hottest guys_!

Sai got up with a wince. "I think I may have broken a rib."

Kakashi chuckled nervously. "My bad."

They hauled Sasuke upright. He looked at the happy faces of his team, and started grinning wildly.

He looked to Orochimaru. "You once said to me, 'there is no shame in giving up'," he began.

The Sannin snorted. "Once said…you make it sound like it was years ago."

Sasuke ignored the dig. "I want to back to Konohagakure," he said evenly as Sakura gasped delightedly. Naruto began dancing around, screaming 'YES! YES! YES!'

"I want to go back and gain power with my friends. The slow way, the way more worth the journey…the fun way. I want to grow with them. Itachi's powerful," Sasuke said ruefully, "He'll stay that way for a long time, so there's no danger of someone else killing him before I do. I'm sorry Orochimaru-sensei…I'm quitting as your student."

Hiroku sniffed loudly. The Uchiha looked at her with an air of despairing amusement. "And I'm sorry Hiroku, but I've just realized how much I'd missed them all," he said apologetically.

The petite woman gave a louder sniff and turned her face into Hirari's sleeve, waving at Sasuke. In a muffled voice she said, "Oh don't mind me…I'll be fine!"

Hirari looked reprovingly in Sasuke's direction. The raven haired ninja sighed, and went around the table to hug Hiroku.

"I'm sorry, really, I've had fun here."

Orochimaru cleared his throat loudly. "Sasuke…that's the first time you've ever called me sensei."

Sasuke looked up at the older man in surprise. "I guess it is," he said slowly.

Orochimaru nodded, businesslike. "You've either grown, or your team had a spectacularly positive influence on you. Very nice…I could definitely teach someone like that."

Sasuke frowned and then shook his head. "No, I definitely want to go back to Hidden Leaf."

Naruto's jubilatory shouts went up by a few decibels. Sai and sakura exchanged a mischievous glance. Sakura slapped the boy and Sai tripped him.

"Sai! You jerk, I'm gonna KILL you!"

"Shut up, dickless."

Orochimaru smirked. "If Itachi can sneak in to train his brat, so can I to train my apprentice."

"Really?" Sasuke's eyes widened, "You'd do that?"

"After Kimimaro, Juugo, Kabuto, Karin and Suigetsu, you're my favorite student," Orochimaru assured him.

Murtagh raised his fork in objection. "Kimimaro, Juugo, Suigetsu and Karin are your _**test subjects**_, and Kabuto's your doctor…Sasuke's your _**only**_ student, isn't he?"

"Shut up, you brat, when I want your opinion I shall ask for it," Orochimaru retorted.

Sasuke grinned and turned to his team. "Do you hear that? Orochimaru's gonna train me! I'll be able to kill Itachi in no time!"

"Oh joy," the older Uchiha grumbled.

Orochimaru scowled. "Back to Orochimaru, I see. Oh well, sensei was nice while it lasted."

Hirari glared at them all. Hiroku was now sobbing into his sleeve, making it dark with her tears. "Insensitive bunch of ingrates!" he hissed.

Murtagh patted her back, getting wasabi on her kimono. "Its ok, there, there Hiroku. I'm still here—oh crap. I just ruined you kimono…"

This understandably did nothing but cause a fresh flood of tears from the distraught woman.

Sai found it the time to speak up with a brilliant idea. "Why don't you and Hirari come to Konoha as well?"

"That is a wonderful idea," Gaara said sarcastically, "Except that they reason they felt the need to start this farm in the first place was because they are siblings in love, and society rejects them."

"Actually," Kakashi put in, "It depends on what you mean by society. No ninja village would look down on incest…its how they keep the bloodlines intact!"

Hiroku sniffled and turned her head to smile through a tear stained face. Everyone winced at the way her eyeliner had spread. Itachi, who was next to her, offered her a handkerchief to mop up the mess, but she blew her nose in it and handed it back to him. He growled at it distastefully, and it meekly combusted.

"Thank you all," she declared, "I accept!"

Hirari hugged her tightly. "We're going to Konoha!" he trilled.

"What about me?" Murtagh asked, stung.

"I don't see why you can't go," Gaara said.

Murtagh frowned. "But I like it here."

"You'll love it there too," Orochimaru promised, "It's a beautiful village, especially in summer and autumn…oh, and spring! And winters are just gorgeous…"  
Itachi raised an eyebrow. "Someone misses his village."

"Someone needs to shut up."

Murtagh sighed. "Can I stay with you two?" he begged the siblings on his right, "Please?"

Hirari threw an arm around him. "Wouldn't have it any other way," he said solemnly, "Or Hiroku would molest me every hour of the day."

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Epilogue…to the epilogue!


	11. because i like happy endings, un

Emo Farm

**Emo Farm**

**Disclaimer: do not own Naruto, Friends, Murtagh…etc, etc. **

**The Epilogue…a happily ever after, because I like happy endings. **

**This would be the chapter where you bear in mind that they're all Japanese…and probably speak Japanese…and most likely think in Japanese…un. **

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

They'd packed up Emo Farm and sold it, lock, stock and barrel. The tenants were allowed to keep their lands, and continue to send their rents to Konoha's newest residents, Hiroku and Hirari.

"Its like the end of an era," Murtagh sighed as they all boarded the extra large horse carriage.

"I'll say," Gaara grumbled, "That was probably the last vacation of my life!"

Itachi and Orochimaru said their goodbyes and left to their own devices. (Somewhere far away, Kabuto and Kimimaro got the creeps and began to hastily clean up the lair after last night's party). Both of them promised to show up within the Hidden Leaf before the month was out.

"It's a good thing I quit the ANBU so long ago," Kakashi commented, "Or I'd have to report that two S-class criminals have been sneaking in and will continue to do so in order to teach their offspring and apprentice."

At which everyone looked at Sai, who shrugged. "I know nothing of this," he said simply, and that was that.

Naruto, Sakura, Sasuke and the ANBU Root member sat together, doing whatever it is teenagers do when gathered at one place. Kakashi chose to ride on top of the carriage rather than in it, much to the chagrin of the driver.

Murtagh found himself between Hiroku and Hirari. "You realize," he asked the woman on his left, "That out of all the original occupants of Emo Farm, I'm the only one left?"

Hiroku smiled wanly. "I realize."

He turned to Hirari. "You know, I'll never know why you guys named the place Emo Farm. I don't think there was a whole lot of emo activity going on, in fact, it was a downright cheerful, sunny place."

Hirari chuckled. "Should we tell him, Hiroku?"

She grinned. "Oh yes, let's."

"Alright. The truth is, Murtagh, 'emo' is an English word, isn't it? And Hiroku and I…well, we're not so good with foreign languages. So when we first came across the word…we didn't quite understand what it meant."

Murtagh's eyes widened. "You mean…"

Hiroku laughed. "Yep. When we named Emo Farm, we had no idea what it meant. We weren't even sure what 'farm' meant! Id was only when you lot started showing up that we thought to look up the word…and were we surprised at the definition! But we liked you, so we decided not to burst your bubble, and stuck to the name."

"So," Murtagh said in the hushed tones of one uncovering scandal, "Emo Farm…when the pamphlets said it was the emo-est place on the planet…it wasn't a cute catchphrase…it was an actual grammatical error?"

"Pretty much," Hirari admitted, "We didn't know what the word meant, so we didn't know if it was a verb or adjective or preposition. It could've been a pronoun for all we knew…like, 'emo was walking down the street' or 'emo was playing ball'."

"Well that sure bursts my bubble," Murtagh grumbled.

Hiroku patted his back. "Look at the bright side. Aikawa has a happy ending, Orochimaru is now a _**teacher**_, you're annoying," (hey!) "Inuyasha and Sesshoumaru don't hate each other, Harry's not suicidal anymore…Emo Farm did some good work."

"You're missing Sai, Gaara and the Uchiha brothers," Murtagh supplied.

"Gaara and Sai were guests, and were never quite emo to begin with," Hirari reminded him, "You said it yourself that Gaara's an ex-emo."

"The Uchiha brothers?"

"I think Sasuke's still pretty emo," Hiroku frowned, "But I really wouldn't have him any other way."

"Besides," Hirari nodded towards the blond boy sitting next to the budding sharingan genius, "He's got Naruto to even it out. He's like an anti-Sasuke."

"And Itachi?" Murtagh queried.

"He's not an anti-Sasuke…oh you mean. Ok, well he's a lost cause, screw him."

"Itachi's not emo, he's _**gay**_."

"Nuh-uh!" Sakura jumped in, having heard Itachi and gay go together, "He was totally checking out my boobs last night!"

"There's nothing there to check out, ugly dog. You are to breasts as Naruto is to dick."

"SHANNAROOOOO!"

"SAI!YOU ASSHOLE!"

Sitting above the carriage, Kakashi sighed. He was never going to be able to finish Icha, Icha Yuri with his team around.  
And so, the tale of Emo Farm's short lived, well, life has a happy ending.

And to this day, no one is quite sure whether Itachi is gay or emo.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

dut du duuu! El Fin!


End file.
